Okay… I’m going to get totally off topic from this blog for a minute. If I lose followers for it, totally understand. I get it.
Let’s be honest. I have always been the shy, school nerd/teacher’s pet. In fourth grade, I got caught up in the wrong crowd, but I got out of it. I’m just going to come out and say it… I was a bully.
You hear all of these people say “Stop Bullying!”, but I… I’m ashamed to say I was part of it.
I’m changing names for privacy purposes, but let me introduce you to Jason. I met Jason with my friend McKayla in the third grade. He was huddled in the fetal position on the playground, crying. I noticed, and we walked over to him. McKayla finally got an answer out of him as to what was wrong, and it turned out that his parents had just divorced. He also said that he would ride his bike home and sit outside until 9:00 at night when his mom got home. That’s horrible for a third grader to go through.
Jason and McKayla stayed close friends, but he and I kind of just drifted apart. We still talked, though. In sixth grade, I… I started in on it.
Jason wouldn’t be able to pay for the school breakfast, and he couldn’t pay for lunch, either. He would ask me and McKayla for food daily, and McKayla’s mom found out. She packed him an additional lunch with McKayla’s every day. In addition to that, he would ask me for food. I would give it to him, but I eventually… I got to the point of being rude to him. I crossed a line many times, being a complete jerk to him. But he took it. Eventually, he threatened to tell people something embarrassing about me because he was tired of my bull crap. I told him to go ahead, then went and got him in trouble with the principal.
I had this “I’m so perfect, Hannah can do no wrong,” mentality, and I feel so stupid now. It never clicked in my mind that he only had one meal a day, when me, the fat pig, had three along with snacks. Jason didn’t have that leisure. I’d tell him, “No! You’re not taking my food!” just because I wanted to stuff my face. I see him around the neighborhood once or twice a year, but it’d be weird if I just came out and said, “Hey! Sorry I was rude to you every day in sixth grade and totally insensitive to your situation! Besties?”
I don’t want to be thought of as the know-it-all who thinks she’s better than everyone. Trust me: I never talk like that to anyone now. I learned my lesson. I regret what I said every single day. I feel horrible. I was a bully, if that’s what you consider it. I hate to say it, but I was. And I know he’ll probably never read this, but I am so sorry for saying that to him, for being such a horrible friend if you can even call me that.
I’ve learned to REALLY put myself in other peoples’ shoes. I now know that people look like they have it all together, but honestly, they don’t. I may look like I was the “shy girl with killer grades”, but I’m not perfect. I don’t have it all together. Everyone has their own battles. I feel so bad for being the person who discredited those battles that other people have. Now I think about that. And I sincerely hope that he forgives me, because I don’t think I will ever forgive myself for that. I was a bully. And I’m not proud.
But that was a lesson I had to learn. And I’m so glad I learned it, because I don’t want to be that person. I don’t want to be the bully.